God of Late Night
by Mr. Sinestro
Summary: Kratos attempts to take over a successful late night talk show. For what means you ask? Look inside to see!


G-d of Late Night

On March 1st, Big Chin returned to host The Tonight Show after CoCo was unceremoniously kicked off it by short-sighted executives. This is a transcription of what happened during that now infamous episode.

"And here's Big Chin!"

The house lights went up and the audience stood up clapping and shouting. Their host had returned. Big Chin walked out as if nothing had transpired over the last few months and took a bow, grateful to see that his audience did not leave him unlike what others thought. He ushered them to sit down and they obeyed. Leno looked over at the band leader.

"Hello, hello my name is Big Chin, former star of the hit NBC primetime show 'The Big Chin Show.' I wonder how that went."

The audience chuckled and the drum rolled.

"Gee, it's like I never left here. In fact, I think the band leader came with the new drapes."

The audience roared with laughter and the band leader smiled complacently.

"It's great to be back here. I wish it were under better circumstances but this is the way networks go. You perform well or you don't perform at all. Now, I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I'm glad to be back on the show that has been my home for so many years."

The audience applauded.

"Thank you. Now on to other subjects, did you hear about this? Did you hear about this?"

Suddenly, the ceiling ripped open and a scantly clad man, covered with debris, landed in back of Big Chin, crushing his desk in the process. His body was covered with tattoos and two chains, carrying two blades at each end, were embedded to his arms.

"I heard something, old man. It was the death of a thousand jokes across the ages."

"Well, it looks like we...uh...we have an unexpected guest this evening. Mind if I ask who you are?"

"My name is Kratos but you will come to know me as your destroyer."

"I see, I see...so what brings you here today, Kratos?"

"I have come to avenge the one known colloquially as CoCo."

"Hey, buddy, I didn't have anything to do with that. That was an executive decision."

"This worthless scum said different."

He lifted the severed head of the CEO from his pouch.

"And this man confirmed it."

He took out the severed head of another executive with his other head. He tossed both of them at Kevin and they accidently hit the cymbals of the drum. Big Chin walked back in fear.

"Look, people can't blame me for this. I'm just a regular old working stiff trying to keep my job. You know how bad this economy is. Am I right audience?"

The audience applauds.

"I come from a land that trades fish for prostitutes. A system of barter is none of my concern."

"Exactly, exactly. I'm not looking for trouble here. I think we can come to some sort of agreement..."

"...so you can take my job as well? I do not fool so easy."

He flung his Blades of Chaos across the set.

"Let's go."

"Well, I hate to..."

Kratos flung his blades towards Chin but he ducked them with ease.

"Never thought I would have to do this again."

Kratos took hold of the couch next to the former desk with his blades and threw it up over Chin. From his suit jacket, Chin took out an ancient sword. Before the couch could crush him, Chin split it in half. Kratos stared at him beguilingly.

"You are stronger than I thought."

"I kicked two more talented, qualified men off this network. I pushed out perhaps the most brilliant host of a late-night talk show ever. I even destroyed NBC's prime-time schedule on a whim. You think you can take me so lightly?"

Chin lifted his blade and it came crashing down next to Kratos. Kratos took out his Blade of Artemis and they were soon locked in a heated sword fight. Kratos maneuvered Chin towards his studio audience.

"Kratos, this is between you and me. Leave the live studio audience out of this!"

"They knew what to expect when they came in today."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Soon I'll be reading your DEADlines, Chin."

"Really? I write better crap...I have nothing else to add to that. I'm not very good with improvisation."

Chin's blade slipped and it cut an elderly woman in the front row in half.

"Oh, sorry mam! It was really Kratos' fault."

"What? You sliced her in twine!"

"Well, if you had a higher fencing rating, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place."

"If you were a better lead, maybe I would!"

"Enough of this."

He took out a buzzer from his pocket.

"You know why I still get all the laughs on my show? I hand pick my audiences from my most deserving acolytes. Enjoy your death from a hundred Los Angeles suburbanites, Kratos."

He clicked his buzzer and soon the audience applaud sign read "Kill for Leno!" Their eyes inflamed, they dog-piled Kratos as Chin made his escape.

"Coward! Stay and fight!"

Kratos tossed the audience members. With each new member of the audience coming towards him, he threw them away like ragdolls. He rushed towards the exit as the audience started taking off the seats from the studio and ran towards him. Kratos, annoyed, took out his Blades of Chaos and severed the arms of the audience members coming towards him.

Outside the studio, Chin took control of a golf cart next to his soundstage and slowly drove away. Kratos burst through the soundstage door and ran towards Leno. His Blades of Chaos caught the back bumper of the cart. Leno swerved onto the set of The Office.

"But, Michael, how are we going to find a room for all these ostriches?"

"I don't know, Dwight. Maybe we can put them in Jim's new office."

"Sounds like another wacky situation!"

Leno's crashed through a wall on the set, carrying Kratos in tow. Kratos shouted at them.

"Stupid show! Be funnier in your later seasons!"

Chin honked at them.

"Watch out!"

Exiting the soundstage, the golf cart was covered with ostrich corpses. Kratos climbed into the passenger seat, bloodied and battered from being pulled by the increasingly speedy golf cart, and lifted his chains around Chin's throat.

"Now lets see your ridicule idiots on the streets of Beverly Hills."

The golf cart began to swagger back to The Tonight Show set. Chin lifted the chains off but they came to a stop at his chin. The golf cart zoomed through the fake Los Angeles skyline of the set and Kratos flew into a heap of severed arms from the studio audience. The nose of the cart was stuck on the floor as the back wheels kept spinning. Kratos looked at the chains of his blades and saw they were covered in blood. Not from the various severed arms, but a weird, purplish looking strain of it. In his hand, he grasped what remained of Big Chin's chin, covered in the same purplish substance. Chin picked himself up slowly, his face staring at the remains of the backdrop of his set.

"So, it has finally come to this."

Chin turned around and Kratos gasped. Where once was his jaw was an endless series of tentacles. His eyes were now giant red orbs.

"Cthulhu! I should've known."

"Yes, mortal, you finally see the true face of your adversary."

"But why The Tonight Show? Why now?"

"I found this invention called television held endless possibilities for my nefarious goals. I would come on every night, trusted by these vermin you call people, and they would love me knowing they could always be embraced by my genial smile and my non-threatening humor. I would soon inch their way into their hearts and take their souls as well. But you and your CoCo ruined that for me! Soon people came to question who I was. Why I was doing this to this folk hero. What my ultimate goal was in taking back my old job, something that I willfully gave up five years ago. People should have forgotten by now but you had to come here and destroy my plans. Let this be your final thought, Kratos, as I rip you limb from limb and bathe in your blood. It was not the gods who killed you but I Big "Cthulhu" Chin that finally did it."

Chin stood over him and, with his eyes shining, lifted his blade over Kratos.

"Any last words?"

"Yes. Hic est Johnny!"

The set began to quake. What was left of the ceiling ripped open as a gigantic hand lifted down from it.

"No! No it can't be!"

A booming voice came from the heavens.

"Hiyo! It's Johnnnnyyy."

Chin dropped his sword and tried to run away but the hand grabbed him.

"You can't destroy me Johnny! You and those putzes at NBC knew this all along! I'm eternal!"

Kratos stood up.

"Yes, you may be eternal, infernal creature, but not without any weaknesses. That's why we're going to deliver you a fate worse than death. We're making you a co-host...of Last Call with Carson Daly."

"No! No! You can't do this to me! I have a contract! I have a contract! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

And soon Johnny's hand lifted Chin away and the ceiling resealed it up. The band leader walked over to Kratos.

"Does this mean...does this mean I'm free? We're all free?"

"Not yet. There still needs to be a host of The Tonight Show..."

The next night:

Tonight on The Tonight Show with Kratos we have Sandra Bollock, Ben Stilter, and musical stylings of The Band's Name is The Band. And heeerreee's Kratos!

Kratos stepped out from the curtains wearing a poorly fitted suit. The audience applauded out of fear.

"I am Kratos. You may be silent now."

The applause died.

"I have a joke to make. Madonna is old."

There was a slight chuckle and there was a drumroll.

"You will laugh heartily or I swear I will find your children and drown them in the river!"

There was an explosion of laughter.

"My other monologue joke. Tiger Woods has sex with many women. That sounds like anyone from where I came from, why is there a problem with it in your society?"

There was louder laughter and clapping. Kratos smiled.

"Good. This audience may live the night. Tonight we have the jester Ben Stilter and the Oscar-wench known as Sandra Bollock. Minstrels will play after. We'll be right back after these messages. YOU WILL BUY THESE PRODUCTS OR I WILL REACH OUT FROM THIS HELLBOX AND RIP OUT YOUR INSIDES! For I am the G-D OF LATE NIGHT!"

The show cut to commercial.


End file.
